I Didn't Plan You

Note: This is a sort of poem I think is something we all know comes up in life. Curve balls. Something or someone that comes along that is not part of our sort of plan. We move through time attempting to stick to some sort of path. This is a poem of one of my curve balls.



When we first met I thought I was over it
The sheer concept that maybe someone was out there for me
But you came along and I felt that trivial, little spark
When our lips finally made contact I was struck

I thought to myself that it was nothing
Just a good date with an interesting girl
Then I saw you again, and again and again
And in between, little texts of getting to know you

I knew then that all I wanted was to be around you
And it seemed the same for you
I was scared though, I'm broken goods or jaded beyond fucking repair
But you assured me not to worry, you're not that complex
Still I took it slow, compared to the animal I have been

I craved your body, yes
I wanted your touch, yes
I wanted to call you mine, yes
I wished I was yours, yes
but I still bit my tongue, we went at your pace
Only because I didn't want you to leave just yet

I had no clue as to why
Just felt like I wanted to see what came of this

Things were well, then the summer came
Your texts became less frequent
Your presence was less constant
I missed you more than I thought I would

Still I went at your pace, no matter how frustrated
I was convinced that it would be worth it eventually
Even if it was just to hold your hand

Then you started telling me not to put all my faith in you
That you weren't perfect
Who the fuck is?

When you would not speak to me, my mind went racing
Battling depression and anxiety results in a hell hole in your own head
I assumed the worst

"She's playing me"
"She's seeing other guys"
"She feels nothing for me"
but here I was, battling my own mind
And saying that you were only busy

I understood that your career came first.
I never wanted to take you away from that
Somehow knowing I wasn't going to be that guy

I wrote you love poems without saying "I love you"
I wasn't ready for that
You said you loved them, you said you loved my genuine nature

Eventually you cared less about them, they were just words
I finally spoke my mind
Feeling ignored and dismissed
You said you didn't know what to say
That you should have done something sooner
That you felt bad you were so busy
That she was unsure now

We were in different places
Focused on her career and that I had so much going for me
so much support
That I would go far and be something
That you still wanted to be friends

How can we still be friends?
When I only bothered because I saw something in you
That you were the first interest in my life that made me feel normal again
That there was nothing wrong with me and that I mattered somehow

She said she felt like an endgame and that she didn't want that
She was scared of being hurt and didn't want to hurt me

I was angry. How did I intend that?
I went at her pace, her rules.

I never planned on her coming into my life.
Even after being broken before in such harsh ways.

We said goodbye and good luck

I haven't spoken a word to her in a long time
I still have her on my mind each day
I still write love poems for her...

Status Update and Poem

NOTE: So to start off, Hello world and hope things are well. My schedule has been crazy as of late bit I assure things are coming! I'm hoping to have finished my edits on another short story to share with you all. I'm thinking close to the start of October. Then once that's done and out of the way, I will be only posting sparingly ever few days (most likely just poems). I say this because I will be working diligently on a new concept I mentioned in am earlier post!  So stay tuned.

Poem:

The Cry of the unwilling Martyr

What the hell do I even say? I am full of regret.
My thoughts are bleak and harsh
But my words will move you to change
To not be an example of a martyr

The truth is I do this to myself
Always trapped in my head, circling down and down
Till all there is noise
But my intentions will move you to let loose
All the pent up angst and wishes you kept quiet

Why didn't I ever speak up?
Perpetually silent and barely saying a word to any of you
My ways are confused, my roads are twisted
But my mistakes will test your will
To show that a voice is never gone

Never lying, my soul is heavy and filled with sorrow
I will never know peace but say I do
And my venting will bring you my way
Aggression filled and tired eyes kept

My throat is sore when I decide to yell
It's a journey to some sort of belief
But my trials will convince you to be greater
To rise high and always keep fighting

My advice is something chose never to follow
Despite everything it seems the better option
And to keep moving versus standing by
Maybe I will be a margin to you in the end

The Final Dream

A child's dream somewhere so serene
The sun never sets in their background
Voices rise as they sing one by one
Let then sing, let them sing, let them sing

A crooked man wants to steal their joy
He plots in rhymes and never dreams
To steal their voices and silence them
Wake them up, wake them up, wake them up

A mother's love shines down on them
Blinding the man till he runs
The children cry for help in their sleep
Please don't fear, please don't fear, please don't fear

A river runs through the fields
It intertwined and divides every way
Sepedrating the children from the man
It never ends, it never ends, it never ends

A man sees his end at the bottom
He fell into the river and he drowned
Then he woke alone, his childhood gone
Now he's awake, now he's awake, now he's awake

Morgan

Note: This is a poem I thought I'd never share publicly. I figure I might as well.

I’m unsure of what words to use

To describe what feelings have me so confused

 

When you run your fingers over my arm

I always feel like I’m ready to disarm

 

It’s dumb to find my mind in such struggle

The doubt I feel and the fear I juggle

 

That spark lights a way out of the dark

Your eyes always leaving their mark

 

When I see your smile after each kiss

I feel like I’m up to bat and I don’t want to miss

 

Just sing with me that I’m worth your time

And that this whole thing isn’t a crime

 

I hope I’m worth your effort

Because there’s something there of comfort

 

I know you said don’t worry I’m not perfect

But there’s something I found worth it

 

To want to keep trying to see you smile

So that maybe you’ll be around for a while

Growing Up

Do you remember when we were kids?
All the scabbed over knees and days getting lost among trees
Maybe you will keep this close to heart when time gets old

The last time I saw you smile seems like ages ago
The days become longer as the clock keeps on ticking
Waiting for the night so we can try to feel alive
I'm always sitting here on curb for you to call me out

The days seemed brighter when the world was still new
With our biggest concerns being where are friends are
Back to back we were always so restless in our actions

The last time I saw you smile seems like ages ago
Hiding in the dark trying to scare each other
Our hearts pacing faster than the footsteps
On hillsides we pretended to be kings and knights
Splitting the ticket to see a movie one summer evening

Stop and think where did that fire go to after it all
Did we give up our dreams for a lifetime of grief?
Maybe just maybe we will wake up into a better place

The last time I saw you smile seems like ages ago
When we shared our first kiss outside the school dance
Now I can't seem to share my words with someone I care for
My throat is dry and I am frustrated with myself
Why can't I just tell you what I want from all of this?

Do you remember when we were kids?
When we thought we'd be doctors, astronauts, or something bigger
And the end never seemed closer to any of us
Man, growing up never seemed like the way it's planned

Want

Time flows maybe a little too slow

I'm here waiting for you to signal

Follow through clean and cut out

This moment where I find your eyes

No longer tired and wishing for more

The barriers of stone and will crumble

Trembling in your wake and full of want

Let's escape this cave full of blue

Into a space where there is nothing but gold

Silver in your eyes hinting that maybe

We'll find a quieter place to rest our heads

Where my voice will not sink down

And I can tell you everything I bear

That I just don't want to lose you now

Another Twenty-Something Burn Out

Growing up, we were raised to believe in a certain way the world works
First, you're born and then you take in that first surreal, epitaph of air
With our eyes blinded to the new world, finally blinking that we are alive
Then we grow up, with words spiraling around in our heads sinking deep down
After we have put in our time to school and to to knowledge of what we love
Books, print, science, math, film, sports, exercise, nutrition, food, cooking, cultures, porn

Then when the time comes we go to college to lock down our future, to lock down a chance
We sleep in awkward positions in an arm chair in the library, we drink ourselves stupid on the weekend
We stay up till 4 a.m. to finish that final term paper that determines if we pass or fail
We fall in and out of love, we fall in and out of lust, we regret and then we don't regret

Then we walk across that stage, grabbing an empty folder where our accomplishments should be
We are in front of thousands of people, thousands of our peers but yet we feel so tall
Knowing that once those doors close behind us that opportunity is waiting on the other side

Then reality hits us, leaving a hand print on our faces

Work work work work work work working working working working working worked worked worked
We were worked into being the biggest cash cows in the world, more profitable than another war
With crippling debt we are expected to work it all back, owing the country for our education

With only months till the bills knock on our doors and show us that we are truly owing them
One struggles to find work in his field, what he studied most of his life to be
Another works in her field and works and works and works till her mind is burning and tired
To suck the joy out of one who feels like they went to school for the wrong thing
Wishing that he had those years back and had gone to war, to prove more profitable

Choosing our passion, we should have known that we should have chosen something more efficient

And now we are sleeping in awkward positions in our cubicles or at our desk
Working away or looking for work day in and day out
We drink ourselves to sleep almost every night hoping to numb that pain, soothe the burn
We are up till 4 a.m. either working for a deadline or thinking on our lives, losing sleep
We fall in love when we think that we are in love, we divorce when we realize we have no idea
We regret and we regret and we regret until we aren't even sure what regret is

Choosing what works towards freedom when we lost what it was that we loved

We are all burnt out with a sigh of breath