I Didn't Plan You

Note: This is a sort of poem I think is something we all know comes up in life. Curve balls. Something or someone that comes along that is not part of our sort of plan. We move through time attempting to stick to some sort of path. This is a poem of one of my curve balls.



When we first met I thought I was over it
The sheer concept that maybe someone was out there for me
But you came along and I felt that trivial, little spark
When our lips finally made contact I was struck

I thought to myself that it was nothing
Just a good date with an interesting girl
Then I saw you again, and again and again
And in between, little texts of getting to know you

I knew then that all I wanted was to be around you
And it seemed the same for you
I was scared though, I'm broken goods or jaded beyond fucking repair
But you assured me not to worry, you're not that complex
Still I took it slow, compared to the animal I have been

I craved your body, yes
I wanted your touch, yes
I wanted to call you mine, yes
I wished I was yours, yes
but I still bit my tongue, we went at your pace
Only because I didn't want you to leave just yet

I had no clue as to why
Just felt like I wanted to see what came of this

Things were well, then the summer came
Your texts became less frequent
Your presence was less constant
I missed you more than I thought I would

Still I went at your pace, no matter how frustrated
I was convinced that it would be worth it eventually
Even if it was just to hold your hand

Then you started telling me not to put all my faith in you
That you weren't perfect
Who the fuck is?

When you would not speak to me, my mind went racing
Battling depression and anxiety results in a hell hole in your own head
I assumed the worst

"She's playing me"
"She's seeing other guys"
"She feels nothing for me"
but here I was, battling my own mind
And saying that you were only busy

I understood that your career came first.
I never wanted to take you away from that
Somehow knowing I wasn't going to be that guy

I wrote you love poems without saying "I love you"
I wasn't ready for that
You said you loved them, you said you loved my genuine nature

Eventually you cared less about them, they were just words
I finally spoke my mind
Feeling ignored and dismissed
You said you didn't know what to say
That you should have done something sooner
That you felt bad you were so busy
That she was unsure now

We were in different places
Focused on her career and that I had so much going for me
so much support
That I would go far and be something
That you still wanted to be friends

How can we still be friends?
When I only bothered because I saw something in you
That you were the first interest in my life that made me feel normal again
That there was nothing wrong with me and that I mattered somehow

She said she felt like an endgame and that she didn't want that
She was scared of being hurt and didn't want to hurt me

I was angry. How did I intend that?
I went at her pace, her rules.

I never planned on her coming into my life.
Even after being broken before in such harsh ways.

We said goodbye and good luck

I haven't spoken a word to her in a long time
I still have her on my mind each day
I still write love poems for her...