Winter Part 3

Winter: First Fall

The light shines down on the first fall
The imprint to you left all along the way
A memory burned in ice
Shows the way you've wavered
But you found your way back

To her arms, to her strength
That first feeling of energy
To and from better days
That second wind of confidence
To warmth from cold
That fear will lessen with her love

Hard to know it's time
We want to know what's better
A moment where we won't question
If the snow will ever start to fall
Or continue on forever

Winter: Warmth

This is a song for winter
To keep a status quo between us
A place of neutrality to stand
Keep the peace and make calls
On whether we will see it to the end

There's no fallen snow to see
No time left to call it out
A winter's bark but no bite
When I told you I loved you
You smiled and returned it to me
We will survive this cold
Your hand in mine every night

Winter Part 2

Winter: Reminiscence

On occasion I let those thought flow by
Those that  tell me I'll never see you again
Despite my strength, despite my heart
I feel that need to lay and die

Moments where I know my time with you
A blimp in comparison to years learned
I just want that to be us, maybe more
Than a couple months time in memory

All the things, all the thoughts, all the memories
I want to be your nostalgia that you look back
And smile, thinking of me in better light
But I don't want to be lost in your heart

Hold onto the thought that I am what you want
A man jaded, but still standing after it all
Wanting nothing more than to be by your side
A love that is new and scary but worth the effort

In the end I hope you find what makes you happy
I want you to smile even if it's not because of me
That when you cry that they would be wiped away
A beautiful soul that should never feel this hurt

Winter: Nights

My mind is my worst enemy in this scenario
Late nights laying awake with fear I won't see you again
My words like echoes in the halls of where we wandered
Struggling with self doubt and uncertainty, I'm scared tonight

I wish for a chance to show you what I'm worth
However little I am still wanting you to remember
Better days will with smiles, nights with whispers
My heart poured out into winter's cold

Shield me from your hurt so it won't spread
I'm waiting on your words to know I haven't left your thoughts
I want to carry that weight so you can see the daylight
My time won't stack up as against the past but...

I wish for a chance to see what years will bear
My love is something I won't give so freely
But I miss you now, only a day in, it's sort of sad
I want to feel that hurt, I want to know it well

To say I'm yours, I would give it all
To sleep through these cold nights
I'd give up my head and the words within
Just to say I had a chance to know you more

Winter (I'm doing this for you) Part 1

Winter: Preface

Three days in the new winter and still I want more
To sleep forever beside you, I keep my hopes up despite fear

You make me want to sing, even though I'm tone deaf
The way you kiss me neck is how I disarm
The way your eyes still see the real me
When you say I love you, I hear the joy and fear

The first day of the new week and I'm scare more than before
That our last nights have gone, I feel the weight of time

Till I see you again, I'll still whisper my love



Winter: Solace

Been through the muck a hundred times
And felt like drowning once or twice
A heart use to uncertainties in between
But I've never given up, still fighting
I still rise to the occasion and fall right beneath
With high hopes that a journey does eventually end

I never asked for more
To end this uphill war
Where my knees have bruised
Just so I won't hear I lose
Until I run out of things to do
I'll still struggle to hear "I love you"

Stared at others in lover's bliss
Awe struck with envy and sick
Their smiles and the laughter built
Wishing I could feel that one day
I still do my damned best, I always will
With high hopes that a journey does eventually end

I never asked for more
To end this uphill war
Where my chest is beaten in
Just so I know that I will win
A love that you hold for me in your heart
Just waiting for this whole thing to start

I miss you now
Even before you wake
Waiting on your call
To say I'm yours
So here's my chance
To show you meant more
Than any words I could bear
So I can lay here till dawn
And stay sleeping with you
till the winter is over

Hope(Less)

Well there's a darkness deep down in my heart
It's bled out one too many times

There's a place where I have gone before
And I fear it's come back for the worst

That place where hopelessness calls home


Well there's been a happiness that came to me
One I thought I was certain would stick

You were mine for such a short time
Then you were taken away before the start

Someone who didn't make me shudder


Well there's a thought that has crossed my mind
To let myself die and become someone else

Then maybe the nights wouldn't seem so long
With hope that I won't remember who I was

But hope is a hard thing to have faith in these days

A Few Poems to Tide You Over Dear Reader

Note: I assure you that this short story is coming. Due to some hiccups and a few more edits I found in revising it, it'll hopefully be done by mid next week. So to help tide over you dear reader, here are a few poems.

Autumn

Breathe me in, I'm the ghost of your better years
Dripping wet from the constant downpour
Soon the skies will clear and the cold will set in
Light your fires down underneath your belly
Let me be that warmth that self assures you
Make me wish I could stay here longer than expected
Seek out that way closer to where your head lay down


Eden

I'll show you to the garden where our flowers bloom and we whisper secrets of happier days gone away
Don't avert your eyes or stray from the path, their intent is to lead you astray with shame
I will be your firefly, light your way through the brush and darkness to taste the sweet fruit
In that place I'll show you joy beyond others, build you a home within, standing tall as trees
Rest your head on my shoulder, dream of somewhere far
I'll be your eternity and you'll stay asleep


Burned Out Again

I've had the worst nights in a long time
Tossing and turning in my bed
Sweat accumulating beneath my back
I count the ticks from my ceiling fan
One, two and three more seconds till I snap

I'll write some sappy poem and you'll eat it up
The joke is over, I'm not cut out for this

My days are numbered but they drag on
Twisting and restless in my office chair
I'll jumpy at every single thing
I stare at the clock on my screen
One, two and three more minutes till I snap

Oh I don't mean to worry you
My body just hates me sometimes
My mind just wants to commit suicide
My psyche just is sick of all my bullshit

I'm pretty sure I've run out of ideas
Struggling and frustrated, my pen bends in my hand
The ink spreading by the side of my palm
One, two and three another poem lost to luck


A Light

Somewhere I hear her sing
The piano keys falling gently
Stormy weather pouring outside
Her voice breaks through thunder
It beckons her sweet bliss
A cat crawls onto her lap
There it sits and slumbers
The light from the lighthouse
Glowing and warning of shore
Her fingers tire as the song slows
But her voice still shines
The storm calms and dies
A new day to greet
Spirits calm and rise
They call out for guidance
Lost and confused
Her touch is gentle
So they call out to her
A voice so sweet and beautiful
They would be led home
A lighthouse in the darkness
Her voice whispers till the light is out


Come Back

With every thing I share to the world
My words written on several hundred pages
Every time I post it to see
My heart stops a second
I hold my breath and don't bother to restart
Now I'm finding my words fail and repeat themselves
I use to seem so steady but in truth
My hands are always shaking
My mind is always racing
And everyday is a struggle to wake up in strength
To keep myself from an early grave
I'm not sure if there's a heaven but I wish for a better place
Because where I am at is a hell
No I cannot sing because I'm tone deaf
No I can't be happy when I hate myself
No I won't make promises when I don't know what I want
I went away to find myself and I still haven't come back
No I haven't come back
No I haven't come back
No I haven't come back
No I haven't come back
So maybe God is a little silent, because maybe he's not talking to me
But even after my words fail, I'll keep writing
I promise I'll keep writing
I promise I'll keep writing
I promise I'll keep writing
I promise I'll keep writing
writing of something better

I Didn't Plan You

Note: This is a sort of poem I think is something we all know comes up in life. Curve balls. Something or someone that comes along that is not part of our sort of plan. We move through time attempting to stick to some sort of path. This is a poem of one of my curve balls.



When we first met I thought I was over it
The sheer concept that maybe someone was out there for me
But you came along and I felt that trivial, little spark
When our lips finally made contact I was struck

I thought to myself that it was nothing
Just a good date with an interesting girl
Then I saw you again, and again and again
And in between, little texts of getting to know you

I knew then that all I wanted was to be around you
And it seemed the same for you
I was scared though, I'm broken goods or jaded beyond fucking repair
But you assured me not to worry, you're not that complex
Still I took it slow, compared to the animal I have been

I craved your body, yes
I wanted your touch, yes
I wanted to call you mine, yes
I wished I was yours, yes
but I still bit my tongue, we went at your pace
Only because I didn't want you to leave just yet

I had no clue as to why
Just felt like I wanted to see what came of this

Things were well, then the summer came
Your texts became less frequent
Your presence was less constant
I missed you more than I thought I would

Still I went at your pace, no matter how frustrated
I was convinced that it would be worth it eventually
Even if it was just to hold your hand

Then you started telling me not to put all my faith in you
That you weren't perfect
Who the fuck is?

When you would not speak to me, my mind went racing
Battling depression and anxiety results in a hell hole in your own head
I assumed the worst

"She's playing me"
"She's seeing other guys"
"She feels nothing for me"
but here I was, battling my own mind
And saying that you were only busy

I understood that your career came first.
I never wanted to take you away from that
Somehow knowing I wasn't going to be that guy

I wrote you love poems without saying "I love you"
I wasn't ready for that
You said you loved them, you said you loved my genuine nature

Eventually you cared less about them, they were just words
I finally spoke my mind
Feeling ignored and dismissed
You said you didn't know what to say
That you should have done something sooner
That you felt bad you were so busy
That she was unsure now

We were in different places
Focused on her career and that I had so much going for me
so much support
That I would go far and be something
That you still wanted to be friends

How can we still be friends?
When I only bothered because I saw something in you
That you were the first interest in my life that made me feel normal again
That there was nothing wrong with me and that I mattered somehow

She said she felt like an endgame and that she didn't want that
She was scared of being hurt and didn't want to hurt me

I was angry. How did I intend that?
I went at her pace, her rules.

I never planned on her coming into my life.
Even after being broken before in such harsh ways.

We said goodbye and good luck

I haven't spoken a word to her in a long time
I still have her on my mind each day
I still write love poems for her...

Status Update and Poem

NOTE: So to start off, Hello world and hope things are well. My schedule has been crazy as of late bit I assure things are coming! I'm hoping to have finished my edits on another short story to share with you all. I'm thinking close to the start of October. Then once that's done and out of the way, I will be only posting sparingly ever few days (most likely just poems). I say this because I will be working diligently on a new concept I mentioned in am earlier post!  So stay tuned.

Poem:

The Cry of the unwilling Martyr

What the hell do I even say? I am full of regret.
My thoughts are bleak and harsh
But my words will move you to change
To not be an example of a martyr

The truth is I do this to myself
Always trapped in my head, circling down and down
Till all there is noise
But my intentions will move you to let loose
All the pent up angst and wishes you kept quiet

Why didn't I ever speak up?
Perpetually silent and barely saying a word to any of you
My ways are confused, my roads are twisted
But my mistakes will test your will
To show that a voice is never gone

Never lying, my soul is heavy and filled with sorrow
I will never know peace but say I do
And my venting will bring you my way
Aggression filled and tired eyes kept

My throat is sore when I decide to yell
It's a journey to some sort of belief
But my trials will convince you to be greater
To rise high and always keep fighting

My advice is something chose never to follow
Despite everything it seems the better option
And to keep moving versus standing by
Maybe I will be a margin to you in the end